Newlywed Wisdom

Being Who You Will Be

2009-12-22T19:19:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard that statement, "That's just how I am," or "who I am."? What that really means is, "There's something about me that is displeasing to someone, whether to me or to someone else, and I have no intention of changing, so everyone who can't get used to it can just pound sand."
There's another statement in the same category that people often write in cards or yearbooks or such things, "Stay the same, never change." They are trying to compliment you by saying that as far as they can see, you are a perfectly wonderful person just the way you are, which is a nice sentiment.
However this idea of never changing, of being "just who you are," is really rather ridiculous. We aren't perfect just the way we are, and we can change for the better, or rather be changed. I have a hard time imagining how anyone could hope to make lasting positive changes in who they are without the work of God in their lives, but regardless, change is very possible, and, in fact advisable.
But what does all this have to do with marriage? At this point I look to my husband and his marvelous example in encouraging me to be who I will be. "What does this mean" you may ask.
Well, first of all, he does not ask me to give up the things which are "who I am" that are positive. In fact he encourages me toward them. He encourages me to keep contact with my friends and family more than I tend to of my own accord. He encourages me to get involved in things I enjoy, especially when they involve gifts or talents I have: music, cooking, etc. He appreciates and loves many of my silly quirks!
And secondly, when "who I am" is negative, he, with great strength and gentility, corrects me, reminds me of truth, suggests a better way, turns me to God. For instance, when I get worked up over something insignificant, he lets me vent, and then helps me see the situation clearly, how I have overreacted, where I need to go with it from there. And when I am struggling with giving up time I could be spending with him in order to spend time with God, instead of letting me spend the time with him or even encouraging me to spend the time with him, he reminds me that God is most important, and that I need to put Him first!
What an honorable, strong, loving husband I have! I wish I were more like him!
I try also to encourage him to be who he will be, but he is much better at it than I am!

Communicate Of Course!

2009-12-08T17:59:00.001-08:00

Everyone tells you that in marriage, it's important to communicate! Well, it's true!
But everyone seems to think it's only the men who have a hard time communicating! And I am here to tell you that's a lie!!
First of all, women tend to want their man to "just know" certain things. For instance, a woman comes home tired from a long day's work. She is looking forward to putting her feet up an relaxing with her husband! He is glad to see her, but as she looks around him, she begins to notice a sink full of dirty dishes, dinner still needs to be made, the kids haven't done their homework, the trashcan is overflowing... and the list goes on! Doggedly she begins to tackle the insurmountable pile of work! At first she is simply weary, but as she is plodding along, her mind is racing, piling up an insurmountable pile of unspoken wished and bitterness. "It would be nice if he could at least take out the trash, and help the kids with their homework," she thinks to herself. "What has he been doing?! Why can't he think of these things on his own?" Well the truth is... he's just a man... not a mind reader, and certainly not perfect. There's a good chance that if you just ask him to do those things, he'd be willing to help out!
Some women even getting upset with their husbands for much more ridiculous things. They are getting ready to go out to eat. He asks her where she wants to go. She says she doesn't care. He asks her if she's sure. She says yes. So he picks Buffalo Wild Wings. And inside she is rather heart broken because she wanted to go to Panera. So tell him!!!!!
One area of non-communication that I have been bad about is avoiding conflict. I can get my feelings hurt and begin speculating on how maybe my husband doesn't love me rather easily. But in another friendship a while ago I went through nearly two years of this train of thought tormenting me, sometimes nearly 24/7, and pretty much destroying one of my most treasured friendships. And when I went through that I learned some things.
First of all, when my feelings are hurt, I now immediately tell my husband, "You said or did this, and it made me think or feel this." And pretty much always I have completely misunderstood, and he sets things right. At first sometimes, as a guy, he simply wouldn't know how to respond, and so he would begin commenting on a completely different subject as if I had never said a thing. At that point, both he and I had to learn another lesson in communication. I had to be bold enough to persist, "I just said..(whatever I had just said).. I NEED some kind of response from you!" And he might say, "I didn't know what to say!" And I said, "Then at least say that you don't know what to say, but don't say nothing, or change the subject!" And then I would ask him leading questions, "Did you mean...?" And pull out of him what he meant, and we learned to deal with things immediately, pulling them into the open, clarifying, soothing each other, and wrapping things up!
Another area of communication that I had to get my husband to work on was not keeping secrets he thought he was "protecting" me from. A few times before we got married, he would get depressed about something, but not want to burden me with it. So he would try to pretend like he was ok whenever I was around, but I could tell. This sort of thing drives me ABSOLUTELY insane! I wanted to be close to him, to bear with him, and the unknown burden was weighing me down MUCH more than a known burden would have! It's like on the third Pirate of the Carribean movie. Nearly the whole movie, the two lovebirds don't speak to each other because they are each holding a secret burden. Will wants to save his father, but either knows or is afraid he will have to give up Elisabeth in order to do it. And Elisabeth has left Jack Sparrow to be killed by the cracken, and feels a terrible burden of guilt until they rescue him. But Will, who saw her kiss Jack (while chaining him to the mast to be killed), thinks she loves Jack and has betrayed him(Will). They kept secret burdens and it nearly destroyed their relationship!
DON'T DO IT!!

The Big Three

2009-11-23T11:53:00.000-08:00

I have a friend who is like a brother to me, and he has a theory that men needs three things to be satisfied in their marriage! I have actually found this to be extremely accurate in my own marriage, and it has been very useful!

1) Respect:
Men need respect from their wives. Dear wife, you can "love" on your husband in every other way you can think of, but if he feels like you don't respect him, he will eventually feel unloved. Talking to him like he is stupid, looking for opportunities to tell him he's wrong, making him feel like his job is unimportant, or making a big deal about how you make more money than him, contradicting him in front of your children, disdaining his sense of humor, and generally putting him down, even in a joking manner. All these things make him feel like you don't respect him.
Ways to show respect: Look for things you can be proud of him for, and tell him you are proud of these things as often as possible. And be sincere! You are proud of his hard days' work, and thankful for the part he plays in providing for your family. You are proud of what a wonderful father he is. You are proud of how he handles stressful situations. You are proud of how handsome he is, or how strong he is. You are proud of how he loves God, or if you can't quite say that, maybe you can be proud of the example he sets in going to church with his family. You are proud of how financially responsible he is.
I say "good job" or "I'm so proud of you" to my husband as much as possible, even for things that may seem silly. For successfully clipping his nails, for beating his video game, etc.

2)Food:
It may not seem like something that translates to love. Surely he won't feel unloved if you don't feed him. Maybe he won't even think of it that way. But for some unknown reason, it does something magical to a man to have a wife who feeds him well. If he comes home from a long day's work and you have either made him dinner, or bought it and have it all ready for him, he feels so loved! And it will certainly keep him coming home to you! My husband has a 4pm alarm on his phone to remind him to start packing up to go home because he knows that I am going to have dinner for him!

3)Sex:
He's a man! We all know they need it. I have heard of women withholding it so that they can get what they want, or because they don't feel like it, or because they are angry with their husbands. I'm sorry, but this is practically ASKING your husband to have an affair! If you don't want him to seek what he needs elsewhere, you better make sure he gets it at home! And this includes all three of these things. Because believe it or not, if he starts getting either of the first two somewhere else, he might start going there for all three!

First Year Bliss

2009-11-16T15:58:00.000-08:00

Well, after having been married for a full year, I am full of marriage advice! It seems a bit ridiculous, really! I mean, come on! I have only been married a year! Give it another 20 or so years, and then see what I have to say!
But we have a couple of friends who are getting ready to get married, and they were wanting some newlywed to soon-to-be-newlywed advice. So I figured... why not share what's been rolling around in my head. Maybe it could help someone! Maybe someone will correct some naive advice, and I will learn something! Or maybe it will at least be entertaining!
So my first piece of advice is:

Don't major in the minors!

I've heard from a lot of people that living together is a lot different than just hanging out together all the time. And I've also heard that the first year of marriage can be pretty rough. But I also know that many people have a ton of pet peeves that they really let bother them! They allow these pet peeves, which surface once a couple starts living together, to cause innumerable fights in their marriage!

1)Toothepaste Tube:
Do you roll it up from the end, or squeeze it in the middle? Because this is really important to your quality of life! And it is definitely worth having a fight in your marriage! SERIOUSLY people! Believe it or not, couples actually fight over this. May I suggest that a toothepaste tube is not worth endangering your marriage. If it bothers you that your mate squeezes the toothepaste tube in the middle, may I suggest one of two things: either simply squeeze it from the end and correct it when you use it (and stop letting it bother you that your mate squeezes it in the middle), or get your own tube of toothepaste!

2)Toilet Paper Roll:
Do you put it in the holder so that end comes over the top, or hangs down the back? Personally, I prefer it to come over the top, but my honey doesn't really pay attention to which way he puts it on, so sometimes it ends up the "wrong" way! I could get annoyed with it every time, and eventually let bitterness build up, and then someday start a fight over it! Or I could just switch it to the way I like it, and he doesn't even notice! But actually most of the time, we don't even put it on the dispenser, so it doesn't matter! If you and your mate have opposite views about the direction of the toilet paper, and both of you care a little too much about your point of view, and one or both of you find it absolutely necessary to keep the roll in the dispenser, you might want to try a dispenser that holds the roll upright rather than horizontal, so that it doesn't matter when side it comes around! Your marriage is worth the $5 to $20 you may spend on a different dispenser!

3)Slob vs. Neat Freak:
If this is a problem, may I suggest that you really should have considered this BEFORE you got married. You probably knew, and you either didn't think about the arguments it could cause, or you felt so in love with the person that you purposely ignored it and convinced yourself it wouldn't be a big deal. But now you're in, and it truly bothers you! I suggest to the neat freaks that you make it as easy as possible for your slob to meet you part way. Make sure there is a laundry basket as conveniently positioned as possible in every place your loved one undresses. Suggest they at least get their dirty dishes to the sink, etc. And then... if you are the neat freak, realize that you like to be neat! You enjoy cleanliness! And decide that cleaning up after your mate is one of your greatest joys and a delightful way to show your love for them!

4)Sense of Humor:
Perhaps you never really understood your mate's sense of humor or appreciated it! Or perhaps it made you giggle at first, but you've grown weary of it. Another thing you must simply decide to enjoy. You can, believe me! And it is well worth it! You will have much more fun with your mate! And your mate will feel respected and appreciated and thereby loved!

5)Chores:
For some, certain chores belong to the woman and certain chores to the man, and it iritates one when the other doesn't do their part! Don't assume anything! Talk about who doesn't mind doing which chores, and divide them up as fairly as possible, talking into account who may work harder at a job, and who might be home more. Then make every effort to fulfill your part of the list and then help your mate with their part of the list! Consider your mate more than you think about yourself. Don't think about how YOU came home from a hard day's work! Think about how your mate came home from a hard day's work, or is sick, or simply that you love them!

These are the five that came to mind! Would love to hear about any others that you have heard of or experienced, and/or any helpful advice to avoid majoring in the minors!